I have been a little quiet lately, and not posting very much. Even as I sit down here and try to force the words to the page, I’m still having difficulties trying to bring out the words. The only thing I can think of that makes sense of this is that I am in a funk.
For me it’s easier to say that statement versus saying I am depressed. But I think that is the real terminology for what I am feeling right now. I just am not motivated lately. Usually I have the ideas and blog posts percolating in my head and trying to get out. But lately, that hasn’t been the case.
I don’t think there was a specific catalyst for this, but there have been several lately. And I apologize for the random pictures in this post. I just wanted to put in some pictures of the things that bring me happiness. Things that usually motivated me, and make me want to do more.
My Day Job
There has been a lot of turmoil within my workplace lately. So much so that the upper management has created a “transformation team” to help pull the company out of a dire situation. It was brought up to all of us that the company is in trouble, and come January 2020, we may no longer have a company to work for.
And I really think this is what may have started me down the path of feeling depressed. Not only worrying about what will I do if the company I have worked for the past 14 years goes away (how will I afford my house, how will I afford to pay my bills, or my horses) but the stress level is rising as jobs are cut, and new systems implemented that make absolutely no sense and cause each employee to do the work of two people. Open positions go unfilled, and I find myself having to work harder and do more than I have ever been assigned to do in the past 13 years.
And then wondering why. It seems that no matter what I do as an individual, it doesn’t even matter anyway. I have a really good job that has allowed me to be able to do this blog, and my YouTube channel while paying my bills. And thinking about how I am going to do all of this without my current job is stressful.
Looking At The Positive
Even though it is extremely difficult to try and find the positive of this situation, I have to try. Maybe if the company does go under, maybe it’s time to start thinking of different ways to earn an income. I can always find a new job as an RN, and I do have my wound care certification. But maybe it’s time for me to look to myself to generate income. Instead of being a captive of a huge organization, maybe I need to rely on myself for ways to make money.
It’s difficult to do when I have become so complacent and thought my job will always be there. Because when you work for someone else, this is never the case. If I am the one running the ‘company’ I am not under their control, I am the one in control of my own destiny.
Winter Time Blues
I think this was a big part of pushing me down a dreary road of unhappiness too. I despise winter. I don’t like the cold, and I HATE the snow. Team that up with a couple of blizzards that came through, and the lack of sunlight and feeling trapped inside of my home, I just didn’t feel like doing anything.
But thankfully spring has come, and the weather is getting better. I have been able to get out and work with Ethan and Frisby a lot more in the past several weeks.
And I have a plan of what I want to do with Ethan (more on that soon) and the weather is cooperating. Now all I have to do is to continue to do what I have been doing, and literally force myself out the back door, and spend some time with my horses every day.
Stop Spending Money
This has been a real struggle for me. And with a new monthly commitment (Thanks IRS) I have to really rein in my spending. This is hard for me. Did you know when you buy something, Dopamine is released in your brain, giving you a slight ‘high’? Yep, it true. I can attest to that.
But I need to find another way to get a boost of the Dopamine, other than spending the money I have earned. And two of my children will be graduating college in December, which means the student loans I have taken out for their education will come due. This means I will have yet another large monthly obligation every month.
And to get ready for that, I need to stop spending money now. Again, I need to think of another way to generate even more money to be able to afford that extra bill. So that means making some serious changes now.
I think I need to come up with a plan to decrease the amount of debt I have, and pay off all of my debt so I don’t feel like I’m drowning. Have you heard of Dave Ramsey? He is a guy that helps give you a plan of how to get out of debt, an get your finances in order. I think I am going to start with his debt snowball program to see if it will help get me out of the hole I currently find myself in.
And also relearning how I spend money. I know how I currently spend money and I have to change that. There are things that I truly need to spend money on. And then there are the frivolous things I spend money on. I am really good at justifying the things I buy.
Getting Out Of The Funk
But I think the best way to get out of this funk is to just do something. I cleaned the house this past weekend. I worked with my horses. I stripped the stalls and cleaned the tack room. I played out in my yard and mowed the grass. And now when I drive up my drive way, and see my house, or walk out into the clean tack room, I am grateful for what I have. It also makes me feel good, maybe a little extra dopamine being released? I don’t know, but I do know I like that feeling.
And I have a few more ideas beginning to percolate in my brain again, so I think it’s working. So coming up with a plan, and getting all of my ducks in a row will be my plan for the upcoming summer and beyond. I think it will show in the next month or so when I have more ideas that I am able to transform into blog posts.
I just wanted to let you know why I haven’t been posting very much lately. But hopefully the funk will be over soon, and I will be pushing through the darkness and letting the light back in.