On Being Horseless

That is a strange title for a blog post, isn’t it? But as of today, that is where I find myself. As of Monday evening, I am horseless. Meaning, I no longer have any horses. Death is a part of life. It’s inevitable. And when horses are a part of your life, it is inevitable that one day you will experience the loss of a beloved companion. And when you have senior horses, the possibility of having it happen is something you need to prepare yourself for.

But can you really ever prepare yourself for the passing of your horse? I don’t think so. At least I haven’t mastered that preparation. And I don’t think I ever will.

Sunday Was a Good Day

Let me go back to this past weekend. It was a beautiful weekend where I live. It was warm and sunny. A very mild few days which were perfect for doing barn chores, and just hanging out with Plezant. So on Saturday, we had a little bit of time grooming, filling hay nets for the week, and just having a great day.

Then on Sunday, I had a few video’s to film out in my tack room, and around Plezant. So all day was spent outside with my boy. And holy moly, it was a wonderful day. He was such a good boy. We had a riding session in the arena, and I spent a lot of time grooming him, as well as just petting him and talking to him. Horses are very good listeners in case you were wondering.

Just such a wonderful day. I have had a lot of good days with Plezant. But this day, was just a wow. Have you ever had a day like that with your horse? Not anything spectacular happened. But it was a day that I know I have always thought it wound every day would be with horses. These are the days that burn themselves into your memory.

And Monday morning was just a typical morning. I woke up, made Plezant’s breakfast, fed him, and left for work. Nothing out of the ordinary.

And while work is work, it’s always a wonderful feeling to be done with it, and go home. And Monday evenings are when I don’t do anything except come home and relax. So no plans to ride, or do anything with Plezant. He gets Monday’s off too.

And again, I got home, and everything was normal, until I went out to give Plezant his dinner that is.

How Do You Deal With the Unexpected?

I made his dinner and went out to feed him, and when I came around the corner of my house, I could see him lying in his pen. He doesn’t lie down in his pen. I started calling his name, and he wasn’t moving. I started screaming his name, and he wasn’t moving. I made my way a little closer, and I could tell that he was gone.

I didn’t know what to do. I was terrified. What do you do when your horse dies at home? I had no idea.

I called my vet to advise me what to do, and she did. So I called the Animal Recovery service, and they came out and took Plezant away.

For 2 days I haven’t been able to bring myself to go out to his pen. Tuesday night I could finally look into his pen, and it may sound silly, but I was terrified I would see him lying there still even though I knew he was gone. But I looked, and he wasn’t there. I was grateful for that.

Learning to be Horseless

It has been a very odd past few days. I haven’t had to get up early to get Plezant’s breakfast ready. When I get home, I don’t have to make his dinner or clean his stall. I feel empty, like I don’t know what I should be doing. I have always had at least one horse for at least the last 25 years of my life. What do I do now?

Do I blame myself for the way I cared for him that caused this to happen? Yes, that thought has passed through my thoughts more than once. But then I remember that he was older, and death comes to us all eventually. Do I walk through everything that happened prior to his death and wonder what happened? Almost every waking moment of the day. He was gone so suddenly the shock of his death still hangs over me. But every day it seems a tiny bit better. But I need to get back to my normal. That is one of the reasons I am writing this post. It helps me to process, and move forward.

But I have to also say it has been very hard to lose 2 horses in the past 12 months. And yes, they were both senior horses, over 25 years of age, but I still get a nagging thought from time to time that I’m the one to blame. I guess that is one of the dangers of having horses, especially as they get older. I just can’t bring myself to sell them. I love them.

They are my friends, my confidants, my buddies. And without a horse in my life, I feel really empty. So I know I won’t be horseless for very long, I just can’t. Even my husband is figuring out our finances so we can find a new four-legged family member sooner rather than later. And I am planning for that for sure. But I think this time, I’m not going to be looking at a senior horse. I know things happen with horses, and we never know when something could cause death. But with a senior horse, the inevitability of that happening sooner, rather than later, well I just don’t think I could handle that.

Looking Forward

So while I am horseless for now, I will be spending some time with my thoughts, and getting through my grief. But I am here and will continue to be here. And with extra time on my hands, and wanting to stay busy I am sure I will have lots to write about. So for now I say goodbye to my sweet boy Plezant. I love you buddy, and I will say one more time like I always did before I left you for the day….Have a good day, eat lots, sleep well, and I will see you soon.